


the world could be burning dark blue

by kingdra (aroceu)



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Community: kpop_bigbang, Depression, Dreams vs. Reality, Drug Abuse, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-12
Updated: 2011-05-12
Packaged: 2017-10-27 21:48:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/300393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aroceu/pseuds/kingdra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kyuhyun dreams, he dreams of someone wanting him, waiting for him. And then he meets Jongwoon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the world could be burning dark blue

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Christie as usual for the quick beta! ♥

Kyuhyun is staring into the darkness when he wakes up. He blinks, once, twice, but nothing changes.

“Hello?” he calls out.

His voice echoes into the bleak distance, and then dies out. Kyuhyun wonders if there’s a wall there: a wall to keep the sound from escaping. This is, after all, what walls do. But when he feels around, he feels nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

“Hello?” he calls again.

Then something grabs him from behind, around his middle. He doesn’t know what it is—he tries to cry out, but his voice is stuck in his throat. Then suddenly he’s being pulled back, farther and farther back, and the darkness is swimming in front of his eyes before everything falls away.

***

“Kyuhyun! Kyuhyun, are you all right?”

Kyuhyun opens his eyes and blinks. He’s outside, sitting by the lake, as usual. Sungmin is staring down at him, looking worried.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he murmurs, propping up on an elbow and feeling his head. “I just sort of... I dunno. What happened?”

“You just fell asleep!” exclaims Sungmin. “I don’t know why—are you okay?” He tilts his head to the side and observes Kyuhyun, like there’s something unreadable in his eyes.

Kyuhyun just shakes his head and runs a hand through his hair. “I’m fine. Must have blacked out for a second, or something.”

“Well yeah, I figured that,” says Sungmin. “Do you—Do you know why?”

Kyuhyun shrugs. “No. I’m probably sick, or something.” He chuckles at Sungmin’s worried face. “Let’s just go to class.”

Sungmin relaxes. “All right. Though you still look pale.” The worried expression passes across Sungmin’s face again, but it quickly disappears and he shrugs.

“I’m fine, really, hyung.” Kyuhyun moves away and adjusts himself. “If I wasn’t, would I be able to do this?” And rather relentlessly, he punches Sungmin’s left shoulder.

“Ow!” says Sungmin, clutching his shoulder. “That hurt!”

“See?” Kyuhyun smirks. “Perfectly fine.”

***

Kyuhyun dreams. He dreams that there’s a man there, that there’s a man who is waiting for him. Kyuhyun wonders who the man is, and he drifts across the floor to see him.

“Hi,” he says. “I’m Kyuhyun. Who are you?”

The man shimmers—Kyuhyun imagines he can see a smile—but there is nothing but the soft light radiating from his face. Kyuhyun cocks his head to the side and observes the man—perhaps he hadn’t heard him.

“Who are you?” he asks a bit louder this time.

His voice reverberates against the dark walls, and the light beneath the other man’s feet slowly starts to fade. Kyuhyun watches with wide eyes as the man starts to leave him... there’s something about the man that draws him to him... something that lets him know that he’s not alone...

“Wait!” he cries. “Where are you going? I don’t even know who you are!”

The man shimmers again, but dims and then disappears. Then there’s nothing left except for the darkness.

***

Kyuhyun is by the lake, his favorite spot on campus, when he hears a rustling behind him. Startled, he looks around—the bush leaves bustle, and then a young man appears from behind the nearby tree.

Kyuhyun watches him for a moment, but the young man merely smiles at him before settling down on the grass next to him. Kyuhyun doesn’t know what to feel. What to say. He feels like he knows the man, has seen him before, in perhaps a dream or another lifetime—but memories do not come to him.

They sit there and watch the water go by. This is Kyuhyun’s favorite spot on campus because it is the only place that reminds him that this is his new home. That this is not just a university, an institute, another place where people come and go. But that this is a part of nature, or at least, a part of his own nature.

Kyuhyun is surprised when the young man next to him speaks. He has not forgotten, however, that the man is there.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” says the man, leaning back on the grass and gazing to the area in front of them.

Kyuhyun glances at him again, and decides not to answer his question. Instead, he says, “Who are you?” The words feel too familiar on his tongue.

The man turns to him. His eyes are bright, innocent. “My name’s Jongwoon,” he says. “You?”

“Kyuhyun,” says Kyuhyun. And, because he knows how to be polite, he adds, “I’m a freshman here.”

“Really? I’m a senior,” says Jongwoon.

Kyuhyun’s a bit surprised. He thinks Jongwoon would be a freshman, or even just a visiting high school student. Jongwoon looks pure, youthful. Kyuhyun has never seen him around before.

“You go to this school?” He indicates the main building a little ways behind them.

Jongwoon smiles. It’s sincere. “Of course,” he says. “And I’m assuming you do, too.” His tone is light, teasing.

Kyuhyun can’t help but smile back. “Of course,” he echoes.

***

Kyuhyun does not tell Donghae and Sungmin about Jongwoon. He likes his friends: they’re nice and funny; why else would they be his friends? But there is something about Jongwoon that draws him. Something about Jongwoon that he makes him not want to share him. So he does not.

“Where were you?” Donghae inquires when Kyuhyun walks into the dining hall for dinner. Jongwoon had told Kyuhyun that he was going back to his dorm; he didn’t like social junctures, you see. Kyuhyun had understood. He would have said he did even if he didn’t, anyways.

“The lake,” says Kyuhyun. “You know how much I like it.”

“A little bit _too_ much,” chides Sungmin. “Really, Kyuhyun-ah, one of these days you’re going to say that you went to the lake when really you have a secret girlfriend you’re hiding from us!”

“You’re hiding your girlfriend from us?” Donghae’s eyes go wide.

Kyuhyun rolls his eyes. “Of course not, hyung,” he says, picking up his chopsticks. He goes for his rice. “And if I had a girlfriend, you two would be the first people I’d tell.” Jongwoon hyung isn’t a girlfriend, though. So Kyuhyun is true to his part.

“I’m flattered,” says Sungmin dryly, although Donghae looks much more cheerful than him. “But that’s not saying much, seeing as apparently you haven’t dated since high school.”

“I’m not interested in anyone around here,” replies Kyuhyun.

“What? No one here smart enough for you?”

“No, just that all the girls here are too stupid for me.”

“Even the seniors?” Donghae raises an eyebrow.

Instinctively, Kyuhyun thinks of Jongwoon. He doesn’t say anything.

***

Kyuhyun meets Jongwoon by the lake again. He hadn’t known that Jongwoon was there—one moment, he’s sitting by himself, and the next, he feels a significant presence settling down beside him.

“Hi,” greets Jongwoon, with that small smile of his. His eyes crinkle at the sides, making Jongwoon shimmer a little brighter.

Kyuhyun is bewildered. “Hi,” he says, and moves over on the grass to make room for him. “You really like the lake as much as I do?”

“Yeah,” breathes Jongwoon. “I’ve always really liked lakes. They’re very peaceful.”

“They are,” agrees Kyuhyun.

They sit there in silence. Kyuhyun is watching Jongwoon in his peripheral vision, and notices that Jongwoon seems very pale, almost transparent. He wants to reach over and touch him to make sure he’s there. So he does.

His skin heats up as soon as his hand touches Jongwoon’s, and his neck flushes. Jongwoon turns to him and looks amused, smiling at Kyuhyun’s fingertips lingering on his arms.

“Yes?” he says.

Kyuhyun’s breath is taken away by the way Jongwoon seems to be looking right into him. “Nothing,” he says.

***

“You will be writing an analysis paper,” says his professor, “on the positive and negative aspects of harmony and dictation.”

There is a collective groan throughout the classroom. The professor taps his glasses sternly. Kyuhyun feels like he is about to fall asleep.

“No complaints. You will write your paper, and hand them in to me three weeks from now.” His professor peers over at each of the students. “Five pages. Double spaced.”

Kyuhyun’s eyes glaze over, and he thinks to the day previous when he had been with Jongwoon by the lake. They had been talking about their subjects and classes, and Jongwoon had said that he had taken music theory when he was a freshman. Kyuhyun smiles to himself. Jongwoon had also said that he was a music major. Kyuhyun wonders what Jongwoon’s singing voice sounds like.

He jerks out of his reverie when his professor’s voice goes up a notch. “And no cheating, either!”

***

“I hate school,” says Kyuhyun, flopping onto the grass. As expected, Jongwoon had been sitting there, waiting for him. He smiles, turning his gaze away from the lake to look at Kyuhyun.

“I think everyone’s hated school at one point in their lives,” says Jongwoon, chuckling. “Why do you say so, though?” He picks at the grass beneath him. The grass strands don’t give way.

“I have an analysis paper. It’s annoying.” Kyuhyun rolls his eyes and tugs at the grass himself. They uproot easily.

Jongwoon remains amused. “Analysis essays aren’t that hard. You just have to really look into things. Like music.” He grins at Kyuhyun. “And you like looking into music, right?”

“I like singing.” Kyuhyun shrugs. “And playing piano. Music theory is sort of pointless for me, though.”

“You have to learn the idea behind things before you can actually do them,” says Jongwoon.

Kyuhyun chuckles. “Sounds like a sort of thing a teacher would say.” He chews on his bottom lip thoughtfully. “Hey, where did you go to high school?”

“High school?”

“Yeah. You know, before college.” Kyuhyun’s lips twitch at his own joke.

But Jongwoon doesn’t look at him. “Oh, around here,” he says ambiguously, sounding very much like he’s lying.

“Around where?” asks Kyuhyun curiously.

“Here.”

Jongwoon’s voice is oddly defiant, firm.

Kyuhyun finds the words on his tongue to question further, but he doesn’t. He gazes out into the lake again, and thinks about the things he misses.

***

When Kyuhyun falls asleep, he likes to dream. He usually doesn’t, but dreams are those fleeting things that you see maybe just a little part of, and you never see the whole and you can never remember them when they’re done, but you know that they’re there and they’ve existed.

When he dreams, he sees someone. Someone who is there. He’s familiar with him—this person has been haunting him lately—but he never knows who he is, can never remember who he is, and sometimes Kyuhyun wonders if he’s just making him up.

“Hello?” he calls out to the man. He _knows_ the man can hear him—the man chuckles. But the man does not respond, and Kyuhyun clenches his jaw in agitation.

“I know you’re there!” he shouts again. “Who are you?” He wants to know who the man is—even if he does not know by subconscious, if only, if only he catches a glimpse, if only he gets a _hint_ —

The man moves to the side, and Kyuhyun’s insides jump up and down in excitement. He can see the man’s profile—a small, round nose and full, thick lips.

“Hello!” he says once more. “Can you please—I—“

The man turns his head, and Kyuhyun can see even more of his face. Eagerly, he tries to step forward; but, as usual, he finds it impossible to move even closer to the man.

“I’m Kyuhyun,” he tries, stretching out his arm—his hand seems miles away from the man. “And—you are—?”

The man faces him.

**

Kyuhyun’s eyes shoot open and he’s sweating. He doesn’t know why—all he knows is that he had been dreaming, and suddenly, he’s awake.

Kyuhyun ruffles his blankets and rolls over, and promptly falls back asleep.

When he wakes up the next morning, he does not recall the man’s face, nor his dream at all.

***

“You said you were a music major,” says Jongwoon. They’re sitting at the lakeside again, and Kyuhyun suddenly feels restless, like he wants to run around. He doesn’t, though. He knows that Jongwoon wouldn’t join him—and he’ll only do anything if Jongwoon will be with him.

Kyuhyun nods and smiles at him. “Yeah,” he says. “You are too. How’s senior year going?”

Jongwoon shrugs. “All right. I sort of wish I was a freshman again.” He chuckles.

“What, for the easier work?” teases Kyuhyun.

“Because then I’ll be with you,” says Jongwoon. It isn’t a reply that Kyuhyun had expected, and apparently Jongwoon hadn’t expected for him to say this himself by the way his cheeks turn pink. Neither of them address the issue, though.

“Can you sing for me?” asks Kyuhyun suddenly. He’s been wondering what Jongwoon sounds like for a while now. He must be lovely.

Jongwoon lifts a corner of his mouth. “Sure,” he replies softly. Then he sings a few notes. They’re not very loud, nor are they anything extremely special—but to Kyuhyun, they sound like the world.

“Thank you,” he whispers, when Jongwoon is done.

Jongwoon turns to him gracefully. “I haven’t sang anything in a while,” he admits. “It feels like a long time, anyways.”

“Does it?” says Kyuhyun. And then, “I don’t think I’ve seen you before the day we first met.”

“I can’t remember anything before the day we met,” says Jongwoon, shrugging. For some reason, he doesn’t look too perturbed by this. Kyuhyun thinks that he should. Kyuhyun thinks that _he_ should be worried by Jongwoon’s words. But strangely, he doesn’t.

So they fall into the silence again.

***

There’s something addicting about Jongwoon’s presence. Something about the way that Jongwoon smiles at him, and Kyuhyun can feel an onslaught of emotion coming onto him. Something about the way Jongwoon speaks, and Kyuhyun sees colors of varying hues, not at all like calculated numbers but mere lighter treasures. Something how Kyuhyun feels he can trust Jongwoon more than anything else in the world.

They’re by the lake again. Kyuhyun finds himself by the lake almost every hour of the day—he wakes up early and arrives there, just to see Jongwoon waiting for him. He skips his morning classes to stay there with him, and when Jongwoon urges him to leave for at least lunch, he darts into the cafeteria for thirty seconds and grabs a piece of bread before hurrying back to Jongwoon. They spend their afternoon and evenings there, and soon enough Kyuhyun is staying so long that when he forgets to sleep, he forgets to dream.

He often wonders why Jongwoon stays with him. Why Jongwoon is always with him. Why Jongwoon never sleeps, never eats, never goes to classes. But a part of Kyuhyun is afraid that if he asks, Jongwoon will take it the wrong way and leave. So Kyuhyun doesn’t say anything.

They do not always speak, but they are always there. Kyuhyun sits a little too closely to Jongwoon, smiles a little too much—but Jongwoon never seems to mind.

“How’s that paper coming?” asks Jongwoon.

Kyuhyun shrugs. “I don’t know. I haven’t started it yet.”

Jongwoon laughs. It is the sound of every song he’s sung. “You better start it soon,” he says. “Wouldn’t want you to have a bad grade, do we?”

“I’m not going to get a bad grade,” Kyuhyun scoffs. “I can bullshit a paper and get a ninety-five. No effort at all.”

“That’s bad,” teases Jongwoon. “You really shouldn’t make that a practice.”

“The same way we shouldn’t make sitting here and doing nothing a practice,” says Kyuhyun. “It’s like a waste of time. But we’re doing it, anyways, aren’t we?”

Jongwoon glances to Kyuhyun. “You think this is a waste of time?”

“Well no,” says Kyuhyun hastily. “It’s just that—well, we really _are_ doing nothing, aren’t we?”

“That doesn’t mean there’s anything time-wasting about it,” says Jongwoon.

Kyuhyun turns to him. The light in Jongwoon’s eyes is innocent, defiant.

“No,” says Kyuhyun quietly. “I suppose not.”

***

When Donghae and Sungmin come up to him in the hallway, Kyuhyun is faintly surprised to see that they are out of breath and pink-faced. They don’t look as lovely as Jongwoon when he blushes.

“Kyuhyun!” Sungmin exclaims.

Kyuhyun stares at him. “Hi, hyung,” he says, confusion laced lightly in his voice.

“We haven’t seen you for ages!” says Donghae. “It seems like you’re always trying to get away from us—this is the only time we’ve caught you—“

“That’s because I had to come in to turn in my paper,” explains Kyuhyun.

Donghae and Sungmin look fairly hurt. Kyuhyun allows his mind to briefly wonder why.

“You’re always spending time by the lake,” says Sungmin. “Not even making room for your friends.” Yes, there’s no doubt that there’s hurt in his voice.

“Well so?” says Kyuhyun defensively. “I like the lake—it’s calm and silent, unlike you two.” And it has Jongwoon, who is calm as silent as the surface of the water.

“But you won’t even hang out with your friends?” says Donghae. “ _Us_? It’s all right if you want to get away for a little while, Kyuhyun—but now there’s not even anything you want to get away from.”

“This is exactly what I’m talking about!” says Kyuhyun frustratedly, throwing his hands up in the air. “You! Everyone! I want to get away from _everyone_ , all right! I don’t even need you!”

He storms away, leaving his two friends staring behind him.

***

Kyuhyun nearly tears his hair out when he arrives by the lake. Jongwoon is already sitting there, his hands around his knees. He looks worried when he sees Kyuhyun.

“What’s wrong?” he says immediately, as Kyuhyun flings himself onto the grass beside him.

“My _friends_!” Kyuhyun spits. “If they can even _call_ themselves that! Even though I’m hardly spending time with them, that doesn’t give them the right to claim that I’m _hurting_ them! And,” he adds, his anger building up, “they’re always a bother anyways! Gossiping, talking, never shutting up—there’s a reason why I don’t want to be around them, and that’s because they’re never quiet!”

“I hope I don’t bother you,” Jongwoon murmurs when Kyuhyun is done.

Kyuhyun snaps to him, and rapidly shakes his head.

“You _don’t_ , hyung,” he says. “You—You never do, really. You’re the reason why I don’t hang out with them as much—because you know what I like and what I want, and it’s much better having you around than anyone else, or being by myself.” He smiles. “You’re perfect.”

“If you think so, I’ll never leave you,” says Jongwoon, staring down.

Kyuhyun smiles even more. “I’d like that,” he says.

Jongwoon’s cheeks turn red, but he says no more.

***

Kyuhyun goes out of his way to avoid his friends—not like he really needs to try anymore. With his frequent meetings with Jongwoon, it’s not like he runs into people anymore—people are only people to him, and when he says hello, he never means it, and when he speaks, he’s barely aware of the words that are coming out of his mouth.

A month passes, but it feels like a decade. When Kyuhyun looks to his side, Jongwoon is sitting next to him, with a small smile on his face, and his black hair flying in the breeze.

***

Kyuhyun is dreaming again. His dreams are all imagination, he knows—but he can’t help but feel that there’s something significant about them. Something real. Something that lasts much longer than a mere thought.

In the depths of his mind, he can see a man. A man who is waiting, watching him. A man who knows him and feels him, a man who is always there with him. A man who has been called, a man who answers, a man who smiles and laughs at everything he says. A man who understands him.

A man who does not exist.

***

Kyuhyun smiles a little when Jongwoon moves closer to him. He does not know why; Jongwoon is only cold, for autumn is slowly getting cooler as the day passes. But knowing that Jongwoon is coming to him for warmth, for comfort, is enough to fill Kyuhyun’s joy.

“Cold?” he says, looking down at Jongwoon who is now tucked in next to his shoulder.

Jongwoon glances up to him. His cheeks flush beautifully. “Not really,” he says. “But—it’s nice being here, next to you.” He smiles a little as well.

Affection blooms inside of Kyuhyun, and he’s aware of the heat and the friction between their bodies. “I think so too,” he responds, and leans back a little against Jongwoon, and is pleased when Jongwoon does not move away.

A moment passes between them. Kyuhyun lets out a small sigh. “I haven’t really had anyone get this close to me lately,” he confesses. “Or at all, really. It’s sort of—I’ve never really had anyone.”

“Well you have me,” says Jongwoon cheekily. “And there’s nothing wrong with that, right?”

Kyuhyun laughs. “Of course. There’s nothing wrong with having you around, hyung.”

“I didn’t think there was.” Jongwoon is still gazing at him. There’s something in his eyes that Kyuhyun can’t quite read, but he lets it go. The glow on Jongwoon’s face is impenetrable.

***

“I don’t want to grow old,” Kyuhyun murmurs into Jongwoon’s hair, pulling him closer to his side. He sees a smile flit across Jongwoon’s face; he smiles a little, himself.

“Neither do I,” Jongwoon whispers back. “But if we want to, we don’t have to, you know.”

“We have to grow old,” says Kyuhyun. He’s still smiling, even though he doesn’t know what’s humorous about the words that are coming out of his mouth. “It’s—we have to, you know.”

Jongwoon looks up at him and chuckles. “It’s hard to imagine someone as pessimistic as you getting old anyways.”

“Shut up.” Kyuhyun laughs and lightly pushes Jongwoon away, but then brings him back, closer to him. “I just… I hate thinking about the future. Becoming old. And then dying.”

“It’s all right.” Jongwoon nuzzles the side of his face into Kyuhyun’s shoulder. “You still have me.”

***

It’s at night when Kyuhyun comes running from the university building. “Sorry,” he pants when he reaches spot where Jongwoon is. “I was writing… a paper… to turn in tomorrow.”

Jongwoon flashes him a smile. “It’s okay,” he says. “Need to keep up with those good grades, don’t you?”

Kyuhyun breathes a sigh of relief and sits down on the grass next to him. “Yeah, I do,” he says. “But I’d rather be with you more.”

“Than have good grades?” Jongwoon’s lips quirk up.

“I can get good grades in my sleep.” Kyuhyun rolls his eyes. “And even if not, yeah, I’d rather be with you than have good grades.”

“I’m flattered.” In the dark, Jongwoon visibly blushes, dark pink against pale skin. “Have you been sleeping much lately?”

Kyuhyun shrugs, as an answer. “I can survive.” He glances at Jongwoon. “You don’t need to worry about me, hyung.”

“I’m not,” says Jongwoon defensively, although there’s still the teasing tone in his voice.

Silence falls between them. Kyuhyun is suddenly very aware of the moonlight on the lake, hitting the waters and reflecting the sky. The night is cool and quiet, the wind drifting by with bated breath. Jongwoon’s leg is pressing against his, his hands digging into Kyuhyun’s thigh, holding on for dear life. Kyuhyun can feel Jongwoon’s side against his body, his head resting against his own, warm mouth so close to Kyuhyun’s skin…

“Kyuhyun,” whispers Jongwoon, and Kyuhyun looks at him. Jongwoon’s cheeks are still flushed, and he is wide-eyed, staring. Close. He’s close. So close to Kyuhyun…

Kyuhyun leans down and presses his mouth gently against Jongwoon’s. Jongwoon lets out a small squeak of surprise, but does not pull back. When Kyuhyun grabs his shoulder and tilts his head down a little bit more, Jongwoon starts pressing back. His mouth is soft and warm, like a bird’s feather, almost intangible. Kyuhyun can taste him on his lips, Jongwoon’s fresh sweetness, trickling against his mouth as quick as rain. Kyuhyun can’t get enough: enough of this, enough of Jongwoon. The air suddenly turns hot, and Kyuhyun doesn’t know how to breathe.

He pulls back. Jongwoon has his eyes closed, seemingly dazed, but his lips are curled up. Kyuhyun can’t help but feel pleased at the sight. “Was that all right?” he whispers, leaning his forehead against Jongwoon’s.

Jongwoon opens his eyes and smiles at him. “More than all right,” he whispers back.

Kyuhyun sweeps his lips over Jongwoon’s again. This time, Jongwoon eagerly responds, moving his lips gently, almost teasingly. Kyuhyun flicks a tongue over Jongwoon’s mouth and moves his hand to Jongwoon’s waist, causing him to gasp out a little and allowing him access. Smirking, Kyuhyun slips his tongue into Jongwoon’s mouth and rakes against his teeth, tasting every bit of him while Jongwoon tilts his head to the side, letting out little whimpers of pleasure. Kyuhyun doesn’t think he’s ever heard anything as lovely as this; Jongwoon moans against him, unable to contain himself.

“You’re noisy,” Kyuhyun teases, moving his hands to Jongwoon’s front. Hot palms slip under Jongwoon’s thin shirt; his skin is surprisingly cool. Kyuhyun feels around Jongwoon’s stomach while continuing to kiss him, moving his mouth from his lips to Jongwoon’s cheek, then to his throat, biting, licking, nipping his skin. Jongwoon arches against him and brings their bodies even closer together, if possible, folding into him and entwining their limbs.

“Can’t blame me,” Jongwoon breathes as Kyuhyun continues to kiss the side of his face. Kyuhyun sucks on his collarbone; Jongwoon’s breath hitches in his throat. “ _Really_ can’t blame me,” Jongwoon gasps out again.

Kyuhyun smiles on Jongwoon’s skin. “Really now,” he says, trailing kisses down Jongwoon’s throat, all the way to the collar of his shirt. Carefully, he unbuttons down to the middle of Jongwoon’s blazer, and then licks him again. Jongwoon mewls, rolling his head against Kyuhyun’s. The sound sends sparks all the way down to Kyuhyun’s cock, and he does his best to hold himself upright, digging the heel of his palm into the grass beneath them.

“Do you want this?” he says against Jongwoon’s chest. He undoes the rest of Jongwoon’s buttons and kisses him some more, ravishing and tasting every bit of skin he sees.

Jongwoon writhes and grips onto Kyuhyun’s shoulders; Kyuhyun can feel his hardness against his elbow. “What do you think,” he manages out, pressing on Kyuhyun’s shoulders even more.

Kyuhyun just glances up to him, lightly chuckling. “Just making sure,” he tells him, before dipping his head down and swirling his tongue on a lower part of Jongwoon’s chest.

Jongwoon continues shuddering beneath him, and Kyuhyun is aware of his own cock throbbing against his jeans. He lets one last lick on Jongwoon’s nipple; and as Jongwoon trembles, Kyuhyun’s fingers find their way to the front of Jongwoon’s pants. Slowly and carefully, he dips one finger inside. He can’t quite feel Jongwoon yet, but by the way Jongwoon’s tremors grow a little more violent, he knows he’s on the right path. He unzips Jongwoon’s jeans, sliding his right hand in, and watches with fascination as Jongwoon looks almost like he’s completely undone. Kyuhyun knows he’s not, though, but he can feel Jongwoon’s faint wetness through the fabric, and he is spellbound.

“Kyuhyun,” Jongwoon moans, and Kyuhyun is sure that _this_ is the greatest sound he’s ever heard—greater than Jongwoon’s moans, than Jongwoon’s whines. Almost experimentally, he tightens his grip around Jongwoon’s cock, and Jongwoon cries out even louder. “ _Kyuhyun_ ,” he gasps, almost pleadingly.

Kyuhyun brings his hand out and Jongwoon whines; Kyuhyun merely grins down at Jongwoon and says, “Patience.” He lightly pushes Jongwoon down on the grass and clambers on top of him, his knees on either side of Jongwoon’s waist. Jongwoon watches him in anticipation, as Kyuhyun brings a hand to his mouth and licks it, clean and thoroughly. Then he slips his hand into Jongwoon’s pants again, sliding past his underwear, and, finding his cock, Kyuhyun starts to slowly stroke.

Jongwoon’s reaction almost makes Kyuhyun come right then and there. Kyuhyun watches as Jongwoon writhes in uncontained pleasure, moving, so desperately wanting to come. Kyuhyun wants to see him do it, too, but he knows that his own aching cock digging into Jongwoon’s leg is not going to be dealt with alone. So after a few more tantalizing strokes, Kyuhyun takes his hand out and tears his own pants off, ignoring the way Jongwoon winces in pain when he presses a little too hard onto Jongwoon’s leg, and feels relieved when his cock is exposed in the cool air.

He’s much more careful with Jongwoon. Slowly, he slides Jongwoon’s jeans down and tosses them into the pile where the rest of Kyuhyun’s clothes, and then does the same with his underpants. Then he moves his body up against Jongwoon’s; his cock, still slightly wet from his hand, twitches when it comes in contact with Jongwoon’s hot skin. Jongwoon audibly gasps and bends his legs back; Kyuhyun looks up to see that Jongwoon’s mouth is wide open, his eyes squeezed shut at the sudden brush of sensitive skin. Kyuhyun bends his head down and bites lightly on Jongwoon’s shoulder reassuringly, and then shifts himself against Jongwoon again. Jongwoon’s breath comes out in little pants, but he does not protest—rather, he thrusts his hips against Kyuhyun’s, almost desperate for the friction.

“I— _move_ ,” Jongwoon says desperately. Tauntingly, Kyuhyun only slides his hips up a little, until he himself can’t take it anymore. He grinds himself against Jongwoon, rocking his hips back and forth, watching in awe as Jongwoon’s head falls back against the grass and his legs on either side of Kyuhyun tremble to hold themselves up. Kyuhyun brings his head down and kisses lightly on Jongwoon’s skin, while Jongwoon continues moaning and whining, turning to loud breathes and cries that scare the birds from the trees above.

Kyuhyun can feel the heat in his stomach, uncoiling and untangling until all he knows are the waves of pleasure that he feels when he comes all against Jongwoon, and Jongwoon comes right at the same time. It’s hot and silent, dark and harmonious, but their cocks find refuge in one another as the air nearly cracks from all the heat. Kyuhyun’s fingers are practically tearing out the grass from the ground as he struggles to keep himself silent, but Jongwoon throws his head back and moans. And they keep coming and coming, the orgasm rippling through Kyuhyun’s body until there is nothing left except for the quiet and the lust.

Then he collapses to Jongwoon’s side, feeling the cool grass under his bare skin. He almost becomes aware of Jongwoon’s breathing, but falls into the darkness of his own.

***

Kyuhyun wanders back to his dorm, feeling stupidly happy. All that’s running through his head is Jongwoon, the way Jongwoon had laughed, the way Jongwoon’s eyes had sparkled when he smiled at him. The way Jongwoon had whispered words against Kyuhyun’s skin, the way his fingers had traced the side of Kyuhyun’s face.

The way Jongwoon had pulsated beneath him, hot and loud in Kyuhyun’s ear.

Kyuhyun’s lips twitch at the memory, as he opens the door to his bedroom. He’s glad that he doesn’t have a roommate for once; he doesn’t need anyone anymore, because he has Jongwoon. And he can think of Jongwoon, think of Jongwoon as he slides his hand around himself, think of Jongwoon whenever he is alone. Because he is not.

When Kyuhyun falls asleep that night, he does not dream.

***

A boy had once been lonely. The boy had nothing, nothing for him, except impossible dreams and endless nightmares. He had people and people had him, but they were nothing but small hand gestures and spoken words.

The boy didn’t have a heart.

And the boy wanted a heart. He wanted someone to care for him, someone to love. He wanted someone to be there for him, even if he couldn’t return the favor. He didn’t want to be alone anymore. He wanted someone to love him.

Yes, the boy was selfish. The boy was greedy. The boy went for anything he could. The boy wanted to make friends, and he made them—girls and boys alike. He just didn’t know if it was enough. If it could ever be enough.

He didn’t know anything about love, and when he was constantly met with nothing, he was sure that it would never come. And when he couldn’t take it anymore, he isolated himself. He was still the same on the outside, and same on the inside. But his heart was locked, cold and frozen inside his chest, nothing more than a stone.

And that was when his nightmares did something. Something that he could never forgive himself for, because there was nothing to be forgiven. His nightmares created a figure from themselves, the object of his dreams. And the boy, he was never aware of this, but when he saw who loved him, he loved him back, stretching his arms to the ends of water, embracing his own nightmare.

The boy was lonely no more.

***

When Kyuhyun approaches Jongwoon the next day and sees Jongwoon smile, a tight heat coils around somewhere inside his stomach. He ignores it and settles down next to Jongwoon. Their arms brush, slightly.

“Hi you,” says Jongwoon, grinning at him.

“Hi yourself.” Kyuhyun moves a little, so that Jongwoon’s head is against his shoulder. “Having fun sitting here all by yourself?”

“I’m not by myself,” says Jongwoon. “I’m with you.”

Kyuhyun chuckles. “True.” He casts his gaze over across the lake. “Why do you like sitting here so much, anyways? Is it just because of me?” His tone is teasing, but his heart waits anxiously for an answer.

Jongwoon nearly laughs. “Not _just_ because of you,” he says, and Kyuhyun is happy to notice that his presence is still implied. “I like the lake, that’s all.”

“So do I.” Kyuhyun smiles and rests the side of his head on top of Jongwoon’s. “I’m afraid of drowning, though.”

“Don’t worry about drowning.” Jongwoon looks up at him. His eyes are darkened, pupils dilated. “I won’t let you.”

Kyuhyun doesn’t think he would. Jongwoon is all the air he needs.

***

The golden glow of the sun sets beyond the lake, far off into the distance. Kyuhyun sighs as he watches the hazy pink clouds, darkening as dusk comes upon them.

“You look better today,” says Jongwoon from by his side. Kyuhyun can feel the bibration in Jongwoon’s throat as Jongwoon speaks.

“I ate some dinner. Rested a bit more.” Kyuhyun glances at him. “What about you?”

Jongwoon hums and leans his head into the dip of Kyuhyun’s neck. “I’m great,” he murmurs, his lips against Kyuhyun’s skin.

Kyuhyun smiles down at him and nudges him off. “Hey. You better not sleep on me like you did last time.”

“It’s not my fault you’re so cozy.” Jongwoon reaches across Kyuhyun’s torso and places a hand on his shoulder. He is warm against Kyuhyun.

“You like hugging too much.” Kyuhyun laughs.

Jongwoon looks up at him. His face glows. “I know,” he says.

Kyuhyun can feel the heat stirring in his stomach, and his cock hardens at the sight of Jongwoon smiling up at him. He leans in and presses his lips against Jongwoon’s, needing to feel every part of him.

Jongwoon kisses back, hot and reckless.

***

They’re by a shadier spot at the lake, watching the ducks swimming by. Kyuhyun wraps his arms around Jongwoon’s waist, bringing him closer.

“Break is coming up soon,” he murmurs into Jongwoon’s hair. “So I won’t be around as often.”

Jongwoon suddenly pulls back and looks at him. He is hurt.

“Why?” he asks.

Kyuhyun raises his eyebrows. “You know, holiday break?” he says. “I’ll be spending time with my family. But don’t worry,” he adds when Jongwoon opens his mouth. “I’ll come back.”

Jongwoon is not convinced. Kyuhyun knows this. Still, Jongwoon says, “All right,” and rests against Kyuhyun once again.

A few tense moments pass between them. Kyuhyun’s mind wanders.

“What about you?” he asks. “Aren’t you going home for break?”

Jongwoon fidgets, a little. “I suppose.”

“Where do you come from, anyways?” Kyuhyun knows he’s asked Jongwoon this before, but he asks anyways.

To his surprise, Jongwoon’s voice is cold.

“It’s not important.”

Kyuhyun is the one who pulls away this time. He looks Jongwoon in the face. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“What do you think it means?” Jongwoon’s gaze burns into him. “It’s not important.”

“You could at least tell me what part of Korea you came from. It’s not like I’m going to hate you or anything.” Kyuhyun leans forward, closer to Jongwoon. “Come on, tell me.”

“There’s nothing to tell.”

“You must know at least _something_.”

Jongwoon cuts him off with an aggressive kiss, unforgiving hands sliding up around his neck. Kyuhyun yelps out into his mouth, but groans as Jongwoon’s palm goes to the heat between his thighs.

***

Kyuhyun tries again; he’s always been stubborn, and he knows that Jongwoon can give into him. _Will_ give into him. Kyuhyun is sure of it

So when they’re by the lake again, and their clothes are off, casually tossed aside, he opens his eyes and turns to Jongwoon, who is watching him.

“I don’t want to leave you,” says Kyuhyun, reaching to touch Jongwoon’s hand. Even as autumn leaves them, Jongwoon is still colder than the air, only not when lust is running through both their veins.

“I don’t want you to either.” Jongwoon turns to him. He looks so small, sprawled out on the grass.

“Why don’t you tell me where you’re going to stay?” says Kyuhyun soothingly. “Then I could find you. Maybe visit you for a little.”

Jongwoon’s calm demeanor slips off, and he watches Kyuhyun with calculating eyes.

“Don’t,” he says. Kyuhyun knows he is referring to more than their conversation.

“Why not?” presses Kyuhyun. “It’d be nice. You know, seeing you over the holidays.” He forces a smile.

Jongwoon does not smile back. “If you want to see me, stay here.”

“I can’t. You know that.” Kyuhyun’s gaze searches Jongwoon’s. “Why don’t you just tell me where you’re going? Where you’re from?”

“Nowhere.”

“Oh come on, you have to have come from _somewhere_.” Kyuhyun is sitting up now, moving closer so he can see Jongwoon properly. “And since when is it such a crime to see you?”

“It’s not,” says Jongwoon stubbornly. “It’s just none of your business. I don’t want you to care, so you’re not supposed to care.”

Kyuhyun sees red. “Oh, so now you can tell me what to do?” he says angrily.

Jongwoon’s face falls. “ _No_! I just— _You’re_ the one being a dick!” He scrambles up and looks Kyuhyun defiantly in the eye. “ _You’re_ the one who keeps asking me questions, things that you’re not supposed to be worried about! Things you’re not supposed to care about!”

“Yeah, well I do!” Kyuhyun moves even closer, their naked bodies nearly touching. “And _you’re_ being an asshole for not telling me _anything_ —”

“You know enough! What I like, what I don’t like, what I listen to, how I feel!” Jongwoon glowers at him. “I can tell you whatever I want and there’s nothing you can do about it —”

“Well why don’t you tell me where you live?”

“Because I don’t want to!”

Kyuhyun attacks him with his mouth; Jongwoon kisses back fiercely, his nails digging into Kyuhyun’s back.

Kyuhyun fucks him, teeth harsh and grinding, and when they are done, he leaves.

***

Break leaves Kyuhyun feeling cold and empty inside. He smiles and laughs with his family and friends, but all he can think about is Jongwoon, and the way he hadn’t told him anything. Like Jongwoon had a secret.

When Kyuhyun comes back to school in the new year, he knows that he wants to go back to the lakeside. He should. Even with the white blanket covering the grass, nothing can keep him and Jongwoon apart. Still, questions float through Kyuhyun’s mind, and sheer curiosity drives him away.

So when he gets back to school, he goes straight for the school records. They have basic information on each student; Kyuhyun’s sure that at least they’ll list what high school Jongwoon had graduated from. He asks the lady at the front desk, and waits patiently as she goes through the files in a large binder.

The lady looks up to him, confusion clouding her face. “There’s no student called Kim Jongwoon here.”

Kyuhyun goes cold all over. “Really?” he says. That can’t be true. Jongwoon had said that he goes here.

The lady nods. Goosepimples decorate Kyuhyun’s arms. “Let me see,” he says, moving around from behind the counter to join her.

She moves the binder over to him. He rifts through the files. There, between Kim Jokwon and Kim Jomin, should be Kim Jongwoon. But no paper separates them.

“Perhaps... Perhaps it was a misplaced file?” says Kyuhyun. “Maybe he’s somewhere in the book, just was put in the wrong place.”

The lady shakes her head. “It’s continuously updated. Double- and triple-checked.” But when she sees the look on Kyuhyun’s face, she softens. “You can look through it, if you like,” she says kindly. “Just don’t count on it.”

Kyuhyun nods and starts leafing through the papers. Pictures and words pass under his eyes, and none of them are of Jongwoon.

***

He’s not there. When Kyuhyun is done, he thanks the office lady and leaves. He wonders why Jongwoon is not there, and his stomach sinks.

He asks the seniors. All the seniors Kyuhyun knows and doesn’t know, he asks each and every one of them if they know a boy named Kim Jongwoon. He asks them if they know of a beautiful boy who likes to stay by the lake as much as he does. He asks them if they know of a boy who means far more to him than he should.

They all say no.

And Kyuhyun stops people in the hallway. Everywhere, Jongwoon is on his mind, on his lips, in the air. Everywhere, Kyuhyun searches for a trace of the fact that Kim Jongwoon exists.

***

“You know,” Kyuhyun says, when he’s at the lake again. “I was looking for you.”

Jongwoon chuckles. “You know I’m always here. I can’t imagine why you’d forget.” He smiles at Kyuhyun.

“Yes,” says Kyuhyun, and leans over and pecks Jongwoon on the lips. But when he pulls back, he feels troubled. “No, I was just... I looked you up in the student roster. And you weren’t there.”

“Oh.” Jongwoon shrugs, seemingly untroubled.

Kyuhyun observes him. “ _Oh_? What, the fact that there’s no record of you actually attending this school doesn’t bother you?”

Jongwoon shakes his head. “No.”

“Why not?”

“It just... doesn’t.” Jongwoon shrugs.

“I care about you, you know,” says Kyuhyun, looking down at him. “And the fact that your name isn’t in the student directory bothers me. And when I asked the other seniors, they said that they had never heard of you before...”

Jongwoon shrugs again. “I’m quiet,” he says with a small smile, casting it at Kyuhyun.

Kyuhyun does his best not to get distracted. “And it doesn’t bug you?” he asks. “At _all_?”

“It’s always been like this.” Jongwoon curls into him. “Stop worrying, Kyuhyun. The only thing that matters is that you’re here with me.”

***

Somehow, Kyuhyun feels that Jongwoon doesn’t want him to be troubled by any of this at all.

Somehow, he is.

Kyuhyun continues looking. He asks random teachers, random students, searches up Kim Jongwoon on the internet along with the name of their university, and comes up with nothing. He tries again. And again. And again. There must be a mistake. Why is Kim Jongwoon not showing up for anything? Why is it that everywhere he looks, there is no trace of Kim Jongwoon? None at all.

“Look who’s here,” says Sungmin when Kyuhyun is in the library, surfing the internet again. Sungmin glances to the computer screen. “‘Kim Jongwoon.’ Who’s that?”

“None of your business,” Kyuhyun grits through his teeth, and recalls the conversation he and Jongwoon had had not long ago.

Sungmin doesn’t seem too surprised. Donghae, however, speaks.

“We’re sorry, Kyuhyun,” says Donghae, his voice surprisingly quiet from behind him. “I know we haven’t spoken in a while, and the last time we did...” He shifts his weight from foot to foot. “But if you want to spend more time by yourself, we should respect that. And we will. Right, Sungmin?”

Kyuhyun hears Sungmin yelp. “Yes, we do,” Sungmin then says, sounding like he had been rudely prodded.

“So we apologize.” Donghae places a hand on Kyuhyun’s shoulder. “I hope you forgive us.”

Kyuhyun hangs his head down. “Of course I do,” he mutters to himself, all thoughts of Jongwoon still filling his head. “I’m just... trying to do something.”

“Why don’t you let us help you?” offers Donghae.

Kyuhyun considers. He’ll need all the sources he can get. “Sure,” he says, turning around to Sungmin and Donghae. “I’m... trying to find someone, actually.” He points to his computer screen. “Kim Jongwoon, like you said, hyung. I can’t find him anywhere, even though I see him almost every day and he says he goes here.”

Strangely, Sungmin and Donghae do not question anything about Jongwoon. Instead, Sungmin just says, “Is he a freshman?”

Kyuhyun shakes his head. “Senior,” he says. “But I already checked the school records, and he wasn’t there. None of the other seniors know him, either. I’ve been trying to ask everyone I could possibly encounter...”

“We’ll help you,” says Donghae firmly, and Sungmin nods, although looking reluctant.

Kyuhyun smiles tiredly at them. “Thank you. I’ll need it.”

***

So when Kyuhyun is not by the lake, he is looking for traces of Jongwoon. When he is not with Jongwoon, he is searching for more information on Jongwoon.

His two friends help him, but it does not seem to be enough.

“None of my teachers said they know him,” says Donghae.

“Mine neither,” adds Sungmin. “And even Heechul hyung, who knows most of the seniors, thought I had been joking if I asked him if he knew anything about a Kim Jongwoon.”

Kyuhyun gets chills once more, but prevents himself from shivering to not let his friends notice. “That’s great,” he says monotonously, leafing through old school files, in case Jongwoon’s paper had been slipped in there. “Well, we can just keep looking.”

“What did you say his major was?” asks Sungmin.

“Music.”

“Did you ask all the music teachers?”

“No...” Kyuhyun’s eyes suddenly widen. “Should we?”

“I think it’d be a good idea,” says Sungmin.

So after they say good-bye to Donghae, who has class in a few minutes, he and Sungmin walk through campus, making their way to the music wing. They pass teachers and students who Kyuhyun would usually ask, but Kyuhyun is only focused on one thing. Why hadn’t he thought of it earlier? Of course, if Jongwoon was a music major, he would have had at least one of the music teachers.

They go to the first classroom. And then the second. And then down the hall, and then on the second floor, occasionally interrupting classes but not caring at all. With each, “No,” the teacher say, Kyuhyun can feel his heart rise up in his throat. This can’t be it. This can’t be possible. Jongwoon is a music major. At least _one_ of them must know him.

But when they arrive at the last room, where Kyuhyun’s own music theory teacher is, his teacher apologizes and says no, before walking out the door. Kyuhyun sinks into a chair. _This can’t be possible._

“It’s not possible,” says Sungmin, echoing his thoughts exactly. He strides to the front of the room, his hands behind his back. “Jongwoon can’t be a music major here.”

“But he said he was!” Kyuhyun insists. “He said that he’s a music major, that he goes here—”

“He can’t be going here, either.” Sungmin looks almost as troubled as Kyuhyun is. “It’s impossible. Everything we checked, they’re all saying the same thing.”

“No!” Kyuhyun nearly tears his hair out, feeling deranged. “They _can’t_ , he _said_ —”

“It doesn’t matter what he said,” interrupts Sungmin. “There’s no evidence. No proof.”

“ _No_ —”

“Don’t you see, Kyuhyun?” Sungmin turns around to look at him. “He doesn’t exist. Kim Jongwoon doesn’t exist.”

The words hit Kyuhyun, hard and cold. Sungmin gazes at him with pity.

“He’s only a figment of your imagination.”

***

Kyuhyun does not go back to the lake after this. He does not go back for a week. Briefly, he wonders if Jongwoon is worried about him. If Jongwoon is waiting for him. And then he remembers Sungmin’s words. _He’s only a figment of your imagination._

He wants to kill Sungmin for these words, wring his neck for saying this. But reason has always won out for Kyuhyun, and he knows that Sungmin is right. That there is no proof that Jongwoon exists. That there never has been. That whatever Kyuhyun has seen, whatever he knows, it means nothing, absolutely nothing.

He stays holed up in his dorm and does not come out for five days.

On the weekend, he numbly follows Donghae and Sungmin downtown. They tell him that they had found him a doctor. A psychiatrist, they say. Kyuhyun does not know how to react to this. All he knows that his reality is broken, and he does not know if he can live in another one.

He is led into a white, white room. There is a single chair, long, large, intimidating. A man is sitting at a desk next to it, scribbling on a sheet of paper.

Kyuhyun is introduced to this man, his psychiatrist. Sungmin and Donghae bid him good luck, before leaving the room. His psychiatrist instructs him to sit on the large chair, and continues scribbling on his papers as Kyuhyun makes his way over.

When Kyuhyun is settled, the psychiatrist turns to him. He asks about Jongwoon.

“What does he look like?”

“Messy black hair. Black eyes.” _Beautiful._

“How tall is he?”

“A little bit shorter than me.” _Tall enough._

“What does he like to do?”

“Sing. Occasionally dance. Talk to me.” _Kiss. Hug. Fuck._

“Does he know that you exist?”

“Yes.” _He knows much more than that._

“Do you tell him everything?”

“Yes.” _He is my world._

“How much does he tell you about himself?”

“Enough.” _Almost everything. Everything._

“Like?”

“He likes singing. He’d like to become famous. He cares much about animals.” _His pains and promises. His weaknesses._

“Are you happy when you are with him?”

“Yes.” _Always._

“How often do you see him?”

“Often.” _As much as I can._

“Do you see him at a specific time of day, or a place?”

“By the lake of my school, and whenever I’m there, so is he.” _Whenever I need him, he’s there._

The psychiatrist tells him that he has schizophrenia and that he’ll need to take pills every day. He hands him a prescription sheet and says that that will be all. Sungmin and Donghae come in at that moment—they must have been waiting in the waiting room—and they pick him up, thank the psychiatrist, and then leave.

They go to the pharmacy and give him pills. They tell Kyuhyun that he has to follow the daily dosage. They tell Kyuhyun that he needs to take the medicine. They tell Kyuhyun that they’re going to try to stop these hallucinations. They tell Kyuhyun that it’s all going to be okay.

***

Jongwoon smiles at him when Kyuhyun walks over to him. “Hey,” he says, walking towards him. “I haven’t seen you for a while.” He stretches out his arm to bring Kyuhyun in for an embrace.

“You’re not real.”

Jongwoon’s smile flickers on his face.

“Excuse me?”

Kyuhyun stares at him. Jongwoon is every little bit of perfection—tousled dark, dark hair, and black, smoky eyes.

“You’re not real,” he says again.

Jongwoon lets out a laugh. It lacks emotion. “That’s funny,” he says. “I’m pretty sure I just heard you say that I wasn’t real.”

“Because you aren’t.”

The seconds tick by. Jongwoon is smiling. A fake, fake smile.

“I am,” he says. “I’m here, aren’t I?”

“You’re a figment of my imagination,” Kyuhyun blurts out. The words ring loudly in the air. “You’re not here. I’m imagining you’re here. You _aren’t_ —”

“Well I’m pretty sure I’m here,” says Jongwoon firmly. “So I am. Where did you get this—”

“That’s not true,” interrupts Kyuhyun. “That’s not possible. You—You can’t be here, because Sungmin and I checked, we checked with all the music teachers, and they said they don’t even know who the hell you are—”

“Who?” Jongwoon chuckles. “I think you may be imagining some things, Kyuhyun, but you’re not imagining me.” He steps closer to Kyuhyun, and places a hand on his arm.

“No!” says Kyuhyun, yanking himself away. Jongwoon’s expression turns stony. “You aren’t—You _aren’t_ real! Everyone says that you don’t exist! Everyone says that they don’t know who you are! Everyone says—Everyone says that I’m imagining _you_ —” His voice goes up several octaves.

“They’re lying,” says Jongwoon firmly. He steps even closer to Kyuhyun. “Please, just don’t even worry about it, I’m sure that if you stay with me, everything will go away—”

“ _You_ can’t help me, you don’t exist!” cries Kyuhyun. “You’re not here, I _know_ you’re not here, it wouldn’t make any sense if you _were_ —”

“Then you’re lying to yourself, the same way everyone is lying to you,” states Jongwoon. “I’m here, Kyuhyun. I’m real.”

“No you’re not!”

“I _am_.” Jongwoon is closer now, his face mere cenitmeters away from Kyuhyun.

Kyuhyun pulls back. “Stop it! You don’t have any proof!” His voice pierces the air. “All you have is yourself—and that’s hardly enough—”

Jongwoon leans in and presses their lips together. Kyuhyun jumps away immediately.

“See?” says Jongwoon, hurt flashing in his gaze. “Isn’t that proof?”

Kyuhyun stares at him for a few, long moments.

And then he turns and runs.

***

Kyuhyun stares at the sealed medicine bottle resting against the window sill. The moon shines through the glass, illuminating only the white bottle and the lower half of Kyuhyun’s face. The night is old, the twinkling stars wrinkles on the sky’s black face.

It’s impossible for him to sleep. His nightmares haunt him, and his dreams are gone. And he doesn’t know what to think. What to believe. What to do.

The next days, he goes to classes instead of skipping. His teachers say nothing, and the students all cast him with weary looks. Somehow, Kyuhyun is briefly paranoid that they know about Jongwoon. But they do not. Only Sungmin and Donghae and his psychiatrist know. Only he knows.

“You look horrible,” says Sungmin when he sits across from Kyuhyun at lunch, his eyes scanning Kyuhyun’s pale face and hollowed cheeks. His red eyes and the dark circles beneath them.

Kyuhyun nods and eats his tasteless food. His throat is dry, hungry.

***

“Hi,” says Jongwoon as Kyuhyun approaches him. His eyes flicker over to the bottle of pills in Kyuhyun’s hand.

“Hi,” says Kyuhyun, smiling. He walks over to him.

Jongwoon continues staring at the bottle. “What’s that?” he asks, pointing as if the pills are something dangerous for the both of them, dangerous to him.

“Oh, this?” Kyuhyun holds up his bottle. “It’s nothing.” He puts an arm around Jongwoon’s waist and brings him in, kissing his lips sweetly.

Jongwoon kisses him back. When they pull apart, panting slightly, he glances down at the bottle, still in Kyuhyun’s free hand.

“Why don’t you put that down?” he suggests, indicating a spot on the ground, down near his foot and at the edge of the lake. “It’ll get in the way.”

Kyuhyun chuckles. “I think it’ll be fine,” he says, and leans in to kiss Jongwoon again, curling his fingers around the white bottle and bringing it close to his chest.

***

The bottle has two less pills one day later. Kyuhyun finds himself falling into a dreamless sleep at nights, and wakes up, feeling refreshed and clean.

Sungmin and Donghae are glad. They notice his improvements almost immediately. They pat him on the back and congratulate him, saying that he’s looking better and better every day. That he’s looking happier.

Kyuhyun goes to classes. He completes all his schoolwork with his best effort, participates in class, and charms the teachers. He makes new friends, reconciles with old ones, and talks to everyone he meets. He smiles. He laughs.

The lake is still, cold and frozen.

( _“I’ve always really liked lakes. They’re very peaceful.”_ )

***

A week later, when Kyuhyun goes to the lake again, he sees Jongwoon waiting for him, like always. Jongwoon seems to know already when Kyuhyun comes up to him. There’s a cool fire in his gaze.

“What do you think you’re doing?” he says as soon as Kyuhyun is close enough for him to touch. “I thought you believed in me!”

“You never told me,” says Kyuhyun. “Where you come from.”

“It’s not important!” Jongwoon gets even closer to him. “Do you really hate me that much? Do you really want me to leave?”

“I don’t hate you,” says Kyuhyun. “But I want you to answer my question. Where are you from?”

“I thought you already knew,” says Jongwoon in a mocking voice. “And I don’t see how it’s important at all, when you’re convinced that you can get rid of me—”

“Where are you from?”

“You think that I’ll disappear? You think that I’ll go away? You think that I’ll leave you alone? I’ve become a part of you, Kyuhyun, and there’s nothing you can do about it—”

***

Kyuhyun takes his pills faithfully. He hasn’t felt better in months. He rings up his mother and hangs out with his friends. He does his homework and helps his classmates.

He thinks about Jongwoon.

“How are you sleeping?” asks Sungmin when they walk through the hallway. Beside them, Donghae is talking to his girlfriend, consciously glancing at Sungmin and Kyuhyun every now and then.

Kyuhyun shrugs. “Better,” he answers. “No dreams. Or nightmares.”

Sungmin’s lips quirk. “You never told me you had nightmares.”

“Oh, they’re nothing.” Kyuhyun waves his hand. “They used to bother me before—but now they’re just completely gone.”

Sungmin’s mouth stretches into a full out grin. “That’s good!” he says. “That means that the pills are being more effective, if your dreams had affected your hallucinations—did they?”

“I don’t know.” Kyuhyun shrugs. “They’ve always been really vague. Nothing too scary or anything, but.” He chews on his lower lip. “Well, I’ve always thought that they were nightmares, anyways.”

“Well they’re going away now, and that’s good.” Sungmin smiles at him. “And you’re looking a lot healthier nowadays, Kyuhyun. Not as tired. Not as skinny.”

“He’s been gaining weight, I’ve noticed that,” Donghae chimes in.

Kyuhyun laughs and hits them both upside the head. “Shut up, you idiots.”

( _“I’m not by myself. I’m with you.”_ )

***

Jongwoon is angry. Kyuhyun can practically see the heat radiating off of him when he approaches him again. Jongwoon turns around and faces him, his translucent fists clenched.

“You’re definitely trying to get rid of me,” he seethes. “What, I wasn’t good enough for you?”

“It’s not that—”

“I just couldn’t make you happy enough, huh? All this time, your whole life, you’ve always wanted to stop being alone and then when _I finally come_ —you push me away and say you don’t want any more of me.”

“I never said that—”

“You don’t need to say it, I know you just want to make me go away. You want to stop thinking about me.” Jongwoon’s laugh is cold, humorless. “Well you can’t let me go, Kyuhyun, because I’ll always be inside of you, somewhere in there, you’ll never forget me—”

“I—”

“I’ll never leave you,” Jongwoon whispers.

***

“This is good! You’ve taken nearly all of the pills every day since I first assigned this to you,” says the psychiatrist, looking into the bottle. “Though... there are an extra three. Why is that?” he inquires, looking up at Kyuhyun.

“I wasn’t sure the first day,” Kyuhyun admits. “I wanted to see if my hallucinations would go away by themselves.”

The psychiatrist nods. “That’s all right,” he says. “Just experimenting, right? I think that was very smart of you.”

Kyuhyun gives him a little smile. “Thank you.”

“And...” The psychiatrist hands him back his pills, and then looks down to his clipboard where all his notes are. “How are you feeling? Better? Worse?”

“Better, definitely,” replies Kyuhyun. “Fresher, too.”

“Good.” His psychiatrist nods and makes a note on his clipboard. “And the hallucinations?”

“They’re becoming weaker,” says Kyuhyun. “I can still see them every now and then—but I’m getting control of myself and make myself avoid them. And even when I do see them, they’re not as strong anymore.”

“That’s very good,” says his psychiatrist, jotting down something else. He glances up to Kyuhyun and smiles. “I think you’re improving, Kyuhyun. Keep up the good work.”

“I will.”

Kyuhyun walks out of the office, Jongwoon still contained inside his heart.

( _“You have to learn the idea behind things before you can actually do them.”_ )

***

Jongwoon is slowly fading away, like a memory long forgotten. He’s weaker, thinner—but Kyuhyun can still see him and Jongwoon is furious.

“Don’t try to hide it from me,” he snaps when Kyuhyun walks up to him.

Kyuhyun shakes his head and slips his hands into his jacket. “I wasn’t trying to.”

Jongwoon sneers at him. “I’m really just that horrible to you, aren’t I? Just a nuisance. Didn’t try to help you at all.”

Kyuhyun sighs impatiently. “It’s not that I’m not grateful for you, it’s that you don’t actually _exist_ —”

“You don’t have proof of that.”

“I don’t have proof that you _do_ ,” says Kyuhyun. “And neither do you. No matter what you say—or do—” and his heart skips a beat “—none of it is enough.”

“You love me!” Jongwoon shrieks. The birds above them remain in their nests. “You loved me, you wanted me, you _fucked_ me—and now you’re throwing it all away because it doesn’t make any _sense_? Because you’d much rather be blissfully alone than being with someone else? Because that’s such a _horrible_ fate—”

“I don’t love you,” lies Kyuhyun. “I never did. How could I fall in love with something that isn’t real?”

“But you don’t even know that I’m not real? Like you said, _there is no proof_.” Jongwoon’s laugh is dry. “You don’t want me because you don’t believe in me. You’d rather be alone.”

He looks at Kyuhyun. His eyes are hurt and wet. Kyuhyun feels his stomach leap, and he grips on the white bottle inside of his jacket.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers.

***

Kyuhyun looks at the pills on his bedside table. He is sick of them. He is sick of everything. He is sick of this feeling of happiness, of healthiness, of freshness. He is sick of his school.

He is sick of his professors, teachers, classmates. He is sick of his friends and family. He is sick of all the faces he’s seen, all the people he’s met, everything he’s laid his eyes upon in this world.

Kyuhyun is sick of being alone, and of not being alone; he is sick of the darkness and the light. He’s sick of the way he smiles and laughs, and the way his heart breaks and his eyes water. He’s sick of this place and this time, and he is sick of this life.

He is sick of the lake. He is sick of himself. And he is sick of Jongwoon.

His hand closes around the lid of the bottle, and his fingers work for him, trying to make everything disappear.

( _“You think that I’ll disappear? You think that I’ll go away? You think that I’ll leave you alone? I’ve become a part of you, Kyuhyun, and there’s nothing you can do about it—”_ )

***

“Hey,” says Sungmin, poking Kyuhyun in the side. “Are you okay? You seem sort of out of it lately.”

“What? No, I’m fine!” Kyuhyun laughs, like it’s the most natural thing in the world. “I’m perfectly okay!”

“Are you sure?” Sungmin gazes into Kyuhyun’s face, clearly concerned. “Have you been taking your medication every day?”

“Of course!” Kyuhyun has, he really has. He takes as much as he can. “Isn’t it obvious?”

“No,” says Donghae, joining them at breakfast. “You really have been a little off for the past few days, Kyuhyun.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, hyung.” Kyuhyun digs into his meal. “Hey, this cake is good. Don’t you think it’s good?”

“It’s great,” says Sungmin dismissively, leaning over and putting a hand on Kyuhyun’s arm. “Really, Kyuhyun, you don’t have to lie to us, if you’re not taking the pills, just tell us—”

“I _have_ been!” Kyuhyun shouts. He forces a smile. “Don’t worry about me hyung,” he says, his eyes hidden beneath a wall of glass.

( _“Please, just don’t even worry about it, I’m sure that if you stay with me, everything will go away—”_ )

***

Kyuhyun takes a deep breath. He is alone by the lake now. The sun is shining high in the air, almost grey behind the clouds. Kyuhyun likes to think that it is mocking him.

The bottle is clutched tightly in his hand. The bottle, which had been his lifeline for the past several weeks. The bottle that determines everything. The bottle that does absolutely nothing.

Kyuhyun is alone now. He has always been alone.

The water is deep. Up to his waist. Kyuhyun keeps walking, surrounding himself with the mass of blue, not letting himself shiver, not letting himself stop, not letting himself think. He keeps walking and walking, until all he can see is blue. Until all he will ever see is blue.

The waves crash above him, but he hears nothing except for the silence.  



End file.
